Forgiveness: Acceptance vs. Approval

​Forgiveness is a tricky word. We often carry associations with the word forgiveness that turn the act of forgiving into something more painful than it needs to be. Let’s set the record straight on forgiveness by learning what forgiveness IS and what it IS NOT.

Forgiveness is NoT​:

1. Permission. Forgiveness is not permission for the other person to continue harming you.
   We still need to protect ourselves and teach people how to treat us by setting boundaries. We can forgive someone and still have boundaries so they cannot hurt us in the same way again. In no way is forgiveness a statement of permission.
   
   
2. Forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t make us forget what’s been done and does not discount the hurt we experienced from the event.
   They hurt us. That was real. Our feelings around that event are real. It is ok (and encouraged) to feel all the feelings around the event and not push them down or try to discount them. Let yourself feel everything. When we forgive the other person for hurting us, many times we won’t forget what they did. We may never forget. And that’s ok. Nothing about forgiveness says we have to. “Forgive and forget” is a lie.
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3. Approval. Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did to us is “ok”.  
   ​This is similar to forgiveness not being permission. When we forgive someone, we are NOT approving of what that person did to us. We are not telling the world that we tolerate that kind of behavior toward us. We are not telling the person they can do it again. In fact, we may decide we don’t want that person in our lives at all anymore. And that’s ok. That is your boundary.

​Now that we’ve discussed what forgiveness is not, let’s talk about what forgiveness really is and what it means.

FORGIVENESS IS:

1. An act of self-love. Forgiveness is an act of self-love, because when we forgive others, we learn to forgive ourselves as well.
   ​We all make mistakes. We are human, and no human is perfect. Relationships are messy and complicated, and many times we hurt the people we love the most. If we can forgive someone for hurting us, we become more and more capable of forgiving ourselves when we mess up too. In forgiving, we are reminding ourselves that no person is infallible, including ourselves.
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2. Release. Forgiveness is a release of the burden of resentment and anger.
   When we remain angry with a person and continue to hold resentment for how they hurt us, we are the ones suffering. Many times, the person who hurt us forgets what they did and moves on with their life, and we are the ones left to suffer. By forgiving that person, we let them go. We are not approving of what they did (see above), but we are telling ourselves that we are not going to let them control our emotions anymore. We are no longer willing to let their hurtful act cause us to suffer. We are done. We release them. And in doing so, we set ourselves free.
   
   
3. Acceptance. Forgiveness is the ultimate acceptance of the event that hurt us, and the movement forward with the knowledge we can never change what happened.
   In forgiving, we are able to move forward. We accept that what’s done is done. We no longer dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. We stop wishing they never did that. We stop wondering what life would be like if they hadn’t hurt us. We stop using the pain they caused as an excuse for us to live below our potential. We accept the reality of the situation and we move on. And in doing so, again, we set ourselves free.

As you can see, forgiveness is not really about the other person at all. It is about us, our own wellbeing, our ability to move forward and care for ourselves, and our step out of the victim mentality. It puts the control back into our hands. After all, we cannot change anyone else’s behavior. No one has that power. But we CAN change our own behavior, and forgiveness gives us a way to improve our own lives and move forward.

​Now the hard part, HOW DO WE FORGIVE?

How to Forgive

1. Realize the other person is human. Sometimes people are ill - mentally, physically, or spiritually - and simply cannot do any better than they are doing now. We know this. We've been there too. How many times have you done something and then, years later, thought  what the hell was I thinking? If you know better, do better. Some people never know better.
   
   
2. Send them love. If you are a praying person, pray for them. If you are a meditator, surround them in healing light. If you are an atheist, visualize sending them love and light. The point is, they need help. If they can hurt someone the way they did, they need help. We can use our own powers to help them heal. We can pray for their wellbeing, for their happiness, and for their health. Truth be told, this step is HARD! Sometimes the last thing we want to do for a person that hurt us is help them. We'd rather curse them than ask the gods to give them health and happiness. But trust me on this, it will change YOU to do this step. Do this every day for two weeks. If you still feel anger and resentment toward them after two weeks, do it for two more weeks. This is something we do anonymously from afar. They never need to know about it. No one else does either. But the point is that WE know. This is part of the forgiving process.
   
   
3. Let it go. After realizing the other person is human, and then sending them love and light or prayers for health and happiness, let it go. We've just prayed for the person that hurt us for two weeks straight. We should feel less anger and resentment by now. Now, simply let it go. Let the whole situation go. If you need to set boundaries around the relationship, so they can't hurt you like that again, then do it. If you need to end the relationship over what they did to you, then do it. The point is, move forward. Don't dwell anymore on an event in the past you cannot change. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, while still wishing only love and light to the person that hurt you, and move forward - with or without them.

Forgiveness sets you free. It gives you control over your life. It lets you breathe more easily and sleep better at night. It might be hard work, but in the end, it is SO worth it.

If you need assistance or guidance in letting go of a painful event from your past, contact me at kelli@theascendedmom.com. I will be happy to partner with you in creating a life you love!