Category: Self Care

3/5/2020 0 Comments

5 Tips for Staying Calm During an Election Year

I heard recently, “The reason no one knows how to talk decently about religion or politics, is because we tell people to never talk about religion or politics.”

The world has possibly lost the art of agreeing to disagree. Let’s remember: If I don’t agree with something you say, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that we can’t be friends anymore. People are different, and we all have different opinions. And that’s okay! Not only is it okay, but it’s what makes the world the beautifully diverse and rich place that it is! A difference of opinion should be embraced, not attacked.

One of the most divisive times we live through is the election year. Everyone has an opinion, and some people are a lot more aggressive about their opinion than others. It is important to remember that the main goals of any election year are to exercise your freedom to vote, vote your conscious, and allow other people to exercise their freedom too. Although the election process is far from flawless, it is one of the great freedoms we have in this country. Every person has a voice.

So, what do we do when those voices start getting out of hand? What do we do when all the talking heads start to create anxiety within us? What do we do when it seems even our friends and family are attacking each other over political beliefs?

Here are 5 tips for staying calm this election year.

1. Turn off the news and detox from social media. You’ve heard it said, “You are what you eat.” This is true for everything we consume. If you’re constantly consuming media that is toxic, you’re going to feel toxic.

Unfriend politically divisive people. Yes, I know it’s your great Aunt Sally. Yes, I know it’s your best friend from elementary school. But if you can’t open your social media without seeing a hateful political message from these people, then unfriend or unfollow them. They will never even know. But YOU will have a break from receiving hateful messages every time you look at your phone.
Don’t be the politically divisive person. Even more important is to not be the person spewing the hate and aggression. We can share our political beliefs if we want to, but let’s act like adults about it. No need to shame other people for not thinking the same way we do. No need to attack other people for their political beliefs. You, and EVERYONE else in this country, has the right to their own political beliefs.

2. Seek out honest sources – do your own research. This one is pretty difficult to do these days. It seems every time we turn on the TV or radio, we receive extreme, biased perspectives on current events. It is hard to find a truly neutral news source. If anything, please be aware that you are receiving only one side of the story. Once in a while, check out the other extreme news station just to see what the other side is saying. Maybe you’ll see something positive that you would have missed otherwise. And if you can’t find politically neutral news stations, go directly to the candidate and form your own opinions about them.

Go to their website. Find out what their positions are on some of the major issues that matter to you. See what they’ve done around these issues.
Go to their debate. Go to where they will be debating or speaking and ask questions.
Go to their rallies. Listen to what they are saying. What is their message? What issues are they fighting for? Do those matter to you?
Make your own decision (and tell or don’t tell anyone). If you find your opinion goes against the popular opinions of your friends and family, and you don’t feel comfortable arguing with them, then don’t. No one says you HAVE to share your political beliefs. Keep quiet about them if you want. That’s fine too.

3. Practice good overall self-care. This is true all the time, not just in election years. Taking care of our physical and mental health is imperative to reducing anxiety.

Meditate. If you quietly focusing on your breath for even five minutes, it has a great effect on stress reduction.
Sleep. Getting a proper night of sleep (7-9 hours for most adults) leaves us with enough energy to go through our day and manage stress.
Exercise. Moving regularly pumps the endorphin ‘feel-good’ hormones through our bodies and also gives us an energy boost. Exercise outdoors for even more health benefits.
Eat right. Nourishing our bodies with the right vitamins and minerals, and ingredients our bodies were meant to digest, gives us the high-octane fuel we need for more energy, fewer digestive issues, and an elevated mood.

4. Trust. Sometimes we just need to let it go.

Trust the Universe/God will take care of you. Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are, it is so helpful to realize that the world will go on. Life produces life. The sky will continue to be blue. The sun will keep rising.
Four years is not the end of the world. When you’re on your death bed at 90 years old, will you be thinking about how these particular 4 years affected you? Probably not. Life is long. 4 (or 8) years is just a blip on the radar.

5. Keep focused on the good things. Your life is filled with so many other beautiful things to focus on. Remember them. Don’t get so wrapped up in politics that you don’t remember the simple, beautiful things in your life.

Be present with people you love. Your family and friends, even if their political opinions differ from yours, are still your tribe. These are the people that love you most. Be present with them. Set aside your political differences and just love each other anyway.
Practice gratitude for all the good things in your life. Life is good. There is always something to be thankful for. Even when things seem dire and dark, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. Focus on that thing. The things we are grateful for expand and grow in our lives. Pretty soon we begin to see even more good in our lives. The more we focus on the good, the more good we see!

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1/25/2020 0 Comments

Forgiveness: Acceptance vs. Approval

Forgiveness is a tricky word. We often carry associations with the word forgiveness that turn the act of forgiving into something more painful than it needs to be. Let’s set the record straight on forgiveness by learning what forgiveness IS and what it IS NOT.

Forgiveness is NoT:

Permission. Forgiveness is not permission for the other person to continue harming you.
We still need to protect ourselves and teach people how to treat us by setting boundaries. We can forgive someone and still have boundaries so they cannot hurt us in the same way again. In no way is forgiveness a statement of permission.
Forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t make us forget what’s been done and does not discount the hurt we experienced from the event.
They hurt us. That was real. Our feelings around that event are real. It is ok (and encouraged) to feel all the feelings around the event and not push them down or try to discount them. Let yourself feel everything. When we forgive the other person for hurting us, many times we won’t forget what they did. We may never forget. And that’s ok. Nothing about forgiveness says we have to. “Forgive and forget” is a lie.
Approval. Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did to us is “ok”.
This is similar to forgiveness not being permission. When we forgive someone, we are NOT approving of what that person did to us. We are not telling the world that we tolerate that kind of behavior toward us. We are not telling the person they can do it again. In fact, we may decide we don’t want that person in our lives at all anymore. And that’s ok. That is your boundary.

Now that we’ve discussed what forgiveness is not, let’s talk about what forgiveness really is and what it means.

FORGIVENESS IS:

An act of self-love. Forgiveness is an act of self-love, because when we forgive others, we learn to forgive ourselves as well.
We all make mistakes. We are human, and no human is perfect. Relationships are messy and complicated, and many times we hurt the people we love the most. If we can forgive someone for hurting us, we become more and more capable of forgiving ourselves when we mess up too. In forgiving, we are reminding ourselves that no person is infallible, including ourselves.
Release. Forgiveness is a release of the burden of resentment and anger.
When we remain angry with a person and continue to hold resentment for how they hurt us, we are the ones suffering. Many times, the person who hurt us forgets what they did and moves on with their life, and we are the ones left to suffer. By forgiving that person, we let them go. We are not approving of what they did (see above), but we are telling ourselves that we are not going to let them control our emotions anymore. We are no longer willing to let their hurtful act cause us to suffer. We are done. We release them. And in doing so, we set ourselves free.
Acceptance. Forgiveness is the ultimate acceptance of the event that hurt us, and the movement forward with the knowledge we can never change what happened.
In forgiving, we are able to move forward. We accept that what’s done is done. We no longer dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. We stop wishing they never did that. We stop wondering what life would be like if they hadn’t hurt us. We stop using the pain they caused as an excuse for us to live below our potential. We accept the reality of the situation and we move on. And in doing so, again, we set ourselves free.

As you can see, forgiveness is not really about the other person at all. It is about us, our own wellbeing, our ability to move forward and care for ourselves, and our step out of the victim mentality. It puts the control back into our hands. After all, we cannot change anyone else’s behavior. No one has that power. But we CAN change our own behavior, and forgiveness gives us a way to improve our own lives and move forward.

Now the hard part, HOW DO WE FORGIVE?

How to Forgive

Realize the other person is human. Sometimes people are ill - mentally, physically, or spiritually - and simply cannot do any better than they are doing now. We know this. We've been there too. How many times have you done something and then, years later, thought what the hell was I thinking? If you know better, do better. Some people never know better.
Send them love. If you are a praying person, pray for them. If you are a meditator, surround them in healing light. If you are an atheist, visualize sending them love and light. The point is, they need help. If they can hurt someone the way they did, they need help. We can use our own powers to help them heal. We can pray for their wellbeing, for their happiness, and for their health. Truth be told, this step is HARD! Sometimes the last thing we want to do for a person that hurt us is help them. We'd rather curse them than ask the gods to give them health and happiness. But trust me on this, it will change YOU to do this step. Do this every day for two weeks. If you still feel anger and resentment toward them after two weeks, do it for two more weeks. This is something we do anonymously from afar. They never need to know about it. No one else does either. But the point is that WE know. This is part of the forgiving process.
Let it go. After realizing the other person is human, and then sending them love and light or prayers for health and happiness, let it go. We've just prayed for the person that hurt us for two weeks straight. We should feel less anger and resentment by now. Now, simply let it go. Let the whole situation go. If you need to set boundaries around the relationship, so they can't hurt you like that again, then do it. If you need to end the relationship over what they did to you, then do it. The point is, move forward. Don't dwell anymore on an event in the past you cannot change. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, while still wishing only love and light to the person that hurt you, and move forward - with or without them.

Forgiveness sets you free. It gives you control over your life. It lets you breathe more easily and sleep better at night. It might be hard work, but in the end, it is SO worth it.

If you need assistance or guidance in letting go of a painful event from your past, contact me at kelli@theascendedmom.com. I will be happy to partner with you in creating a life you love!

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1/16/2020 0 Comments

The Power of Self Talk

“My brain says some really mean things to me sometimes.” My friend told me this once, and I could totally relate.

How we talk to ourselves makes a big difference in the way we see ourselves in the world. According to an article on healthline.com, “Self-talk is your internal dialogue. It's influenced by your subconscious mind, and it reveals your thoughts, beliefs, questions, and ideas.”

If I’m constantly telling myself I’m not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc., those messages will stifle my growth, lower my self-esteem, and lead to lower self confidence in my place in the world. Not to mention, what kind of message does it teach our kids? Sometimes they hear us say things like, “Ugh! I’m so fat!” Or “I can’t do anything right.” Muttering self-deprecating messages under our breath does not go unnoticed by our children and can lead to our children doing the same thing, therefore lowering their self-esteem and confidence.

What’s the solution?

Here’s my number one tip to start talking more nicely to yourself:
When you catch yourself saying something nasty to yourself, stop and ask yourself, “Would I talk to my kids this way?”

If you tell yourself you are a fat loser, think about saying that to your kid. How would your daughter feel if you told her she was a fat loser? Now think about saying this message over and over to your daughter. When she goes to get dressed but can’t fit into her clothes, you tell her you’re not buying her any more clothes until she loses weight. If she wants to go out for ice cream with her friends, you tell her she’s a fat slob who can’t control herself. If she wants to go to the beach, you tell her she can’t wear a bathing suit because she’s too fat and nobody wants to see her fat body on the beach. Your daughter would be crushed, devastated, and ashamed of herself. She would feel less and less confident over time. As she grew into adulthood, this message would be with her for the rest of her life.

Let’s think about another example. You tell yourself you aren’t smart enough and you never get anything right. Think about giving your son that message. When he wants to start a project, you tell him he’ll never finish anyway, so why bother. Or when he wants to interview for his first job, you say no one will hire him because everyone else is smarter and more talented than he is. Or when he makes a mistake, you annihilate him with your words because smart people should never make mistakes. Your son would lose confidence in himself and his abilities over time. He wouldn’t try new things. He would take the message of worthlessness into his adult years and it could affect his whole life.

Here’s my number one tip to start talking more nicely to yourself:
When you catch yourself saying something nasty to yourself, stop and ask yourself, “Would I talk to my kids this way?”

Now let’s get back to YOU. If you have someone (your brain) telling you critical, negative words all the time, of course you are not going to feel good about yourself. The longer the negative self-talk continues, the lower your self-esteem will get.

Some of us had parents that actually did say those things to us while we were growing up. Those messages are engraved in our brains. Most of our self-talk is derived from the messages we received from parents and society in our early childhood. But we are not children anymore. As adults, it is up to us to speak to ourselves in a way that is life affirming. We need to retrain ourselves and give ourselves positive messages instead. How do we do this?

Let’s look again at our examples. Let’s say you’ve told your daughter she is a fat cow that doesn’t deserve to dress nicely, have a treat, or go to the beach until she loses weight. Or you’ve said to your son that he is too dumb to start a project or get a job and that he’s an imbecile for making a mistake. How would you make things right with them? You’ve said these horrible things to yourself for years, maybe decades, so how do you make things right with YOU?

Apologize. That’s right. Say you’re sorry. You would apologize profusely to your kid if you had told them such an awful message, so give yourself the same amends. Write yourself a letter, telling yourself how sorry you are for putting you down for years. Tell yourself that it ends today. Promise yourself that you are going to try your best to speak more nicely.
Become ultra-aware. Be hypervigilant about recognizing your self talk. Many times, we say things in our minds and don’t even realize we’ve said it. Check in with yourself at various points in your day to make sure you’ve not said anything terrible to yourself. If you have, go back to step one before you continue your day.
Accept reality. Instead of telling yourself you are a fat slob that doesn’t deserve new clothes that fit well, accept the reality of your current weight and buy yourself a few quality pieces that make you feel beautiful. Instead of saying you’re not smart enough to get the job you really want, apply anyway being totally honest about your strengths and talents.
Reframe. If you’ve always laid into yourself for being fat, come up with alternative messages that support your weight loss efforts. Instead of telling yourself you’ll never lose the weight, assure yourself that with time and dedication, you can reach your health and fitness goals. If you’ve never held a job you love that pays well, instead of telling yourself you are incompetent and will never get ahead, tell yourself that the right job is being prepared for you right now and is coming your way.

It is so important to treat ourselves with dignity and respect in the area of self-talk. Those with more positive self-talk are typically more optimistic and experience a greater level of happiness overall.

Please be nicer to yourself! We experience enough negativity in our society without bringing more of it on with our internal dialogue. You are a unique human being. Since the beginning of time, there has never been anyone alive on earth who is like you with your unique set of talents and characteristics. And there never will be. You are a special imprint on this planet at this exact moment. You are a jewel. Talk to yourself like it!

If you need help clearing old patterns and belief systems, I suggest doing some inner child work. Please contact me for more information and guidance for this process.

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12/13/2019 0 Comments

5 Tips to Fully Appreciate Your Newborn

I remember the days when I was SO OVER being pregnant. I was about 35 weeks into my pregnancy and was so tired of being swollen and having insomnia and heartburn. I wanted to have my body back. I wanted to have comfortable sex again! I was so ready to meet my little baby and be done with the pregnancy.

I can tell you that at three weeks postpartum, I still have some of these same complaints! The nurse gave me too much IV fluid during delivery, so I have been even more swollen after pregnancy than during. Pregnancy insomnia? I’m happy if I get a solid three hours of sleep between nursing sessions each night. Heartburn has been replaced with constant abdominal cramping. Having my body back is still a dream, as my breasts are now feeding machines for this tiny human. And sex? It is still an elusive fantasy of some future date when the doctor says I’m in the clear, and when, somehow, I feel good enough to make love again.

My problem is that I’m always looking for the next thing. This has been a constant struggle in my life. I think the next thing will make me feel better than I do now. What I’ve learned in my decades on this planet is that the only thing we have is NOW, and if I’m not appreciating the NOW, I’m missing everything!

A life lived in the future, waiting for some future event, is a life that gets passed by.

So throughout the first month of being a new mom (again), I’ve learned some valuable tips in appreciating the NOW of mothering a newborn.

5 Tips to Fully Appreciate Your Newborn

1. Lower Your Expectations

There is no such thing as the perfect newborn photo session, perfect night of sleep, perfect outfit, perfect mothering, or perfect relationship with your partner. Expecting that your life should be a certain way, or that your body should look a certain way, or your baby should behave a certain way only sets you up for disappointment.

Now is the time to drastically lower your expectations. Sometimes, taking a shower is the best accomplishment of my day. My only expectation now is that it is going to take time for both me and my baby to adjust to this new life. In the meantime, it is my top priority to learn everything I can about my new baby.

2. Accept your Baby is Now your Master

This baby is learning how to do everything from scratch. Everything, and I mean everything from breathing to swallowing to feeling air on his skin, is new to him. He needs this time to acclimate to being outside the womb. And it needs to feel as safe as possible for him.

I needed to accept this by learning to work WITH my newborn’s schedule instead of forcing him into MY schedule. There will be a time to enforce my routine and rules, but the first month of this life is not that time. When he cries, it's because he is hungry or wet or just needs to be cuddled by his parents. If he cries now, it's for a reason. He is not old enough to know how to manipulate adults. That comes later!

3. Get Alone Time

Alone time is essential, even if it’s just an hour without baby while you make the bed, drop in a load of laundry, and shower. Or don't do anything at all but sleep. That's fine too!

We have to remember we were Women first, before we were Mothers. Our needs are just as important after the baby is born than they were before the baby is born. We may need to rearrange some things to make sure those needs are still being met.

Which leads me to the next point.

4. Let People Help

This one is super important. All the people who say, “Let me know if I can bring over dinner” – let them bring you dinner. The ones that offer to babysit “anytime” – take them up on it, and go on a date night with your partner. The ones that offer to come over to watch the baby, so you can sleep for a couple hours – YES!! They are offering because they want to help you and they REALLY want to spend time with your baby. It’s a win-win for everyone.

Also, if the baby's dad is in your life, let him help you too! One thing I've learned about dads (especially first time dads) is that they want to help but sometimes don't know how, or they feel inadequate. This is when we can become our partner's biggest cheerleader.

There have been times when I've had to get very specific with my partner about how to care for our newborn. Instead of saying, "Can you watch the baby for a while," I will say something like "Can you change the baby's diaper and then feed him a bottle? I am going to take a shower and will be busy for about 20 minutes." This gives him a structure and framework to work with, instead of leaving things ambiguous. Men do well with structure.

5. Enjoy It! – This time goes SO FAST! Learn to stay in the moment. It’s hard to not think about all the things you’re missing out on or all the things you need to do when you’re stuck to your rocking chair for the eighth time of the day with a baby on your boob. But really, try to enjoy and savor these little moments. They go so fast, and soon enough, they’ll be too big to hold, and you’ll be wondering when the heck your little baby grew up so fast. She grew up so fast while you were waiting for the next big thing, or while you were wishing he would hurry and go to sleep so you can clean the house.

Enjoy these tiny moments with your baby!

Bonus Tip - Take TONS of photos and videos. All those little baby expressions and sounds will be captured on video beautifully. You will treasure them later. My partner and I started a YouTube channel as a repository for our baby’s videos. It’s a private channel just for us and our families, and it lets us easily upload video right from our phones, so we have a long-term place to store our memories of this amazing time in our lives.

You’ve got this, Mama! It gets easier. I promise.

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Author

I am a mom of three, marketing guru, and founding CEO of Moms Next Door, Inc., a nonprofit organization fulfilling basic family needs so mothers can prioritize their own self care. I hold a degree in psychology and have years of study in self-care, mental illness, addictions recovery, codependency, and spirituality. I invite you to come with me on this journey to guilt free self care. Every mother, every woman for that matter, needs a safe place to vent, to learn, to advance, and to be supported and lifted up. This blog and The Ascended Mom community was created to provide exactly that.

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5 Tips for Staying Calm During an Election Year

Here are 5 tips for staying calm this election year.

Forgiveness: Acceptance vs. Approval

Forgiveness is NoT:

FORGIVENESS IS:

How to Forgive

The Power of Self Talk

5 Tips to Fully Appreciate Your Newborn

5 Tips to Fully Appreciate Your Newborn

Author

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Categories

YOUR CART

5 Tips for Staying Calm During an Election Year

Here are 5 tips for staying calm this election year.

Forgiveness: Acceptance vs. Approval

Forgiveness is NoT​:

FORGIVENESS IS:

How to Forgive

The Power of Self Talk

5 Tips to Fully Appreciate Your Newborn

5 Tips to Fully Appreciate Your Newborn

Author

Archives

Categories

Forgiveness is NoT: